This was a recent presentation for my Biblical Counseling Doctorate; It is a shortened and targeted portion of my upcoming book The Scarlet D; Dealing with divorce and remarriage in the church. I hope you enjoy the read and will comment below.
Divorced Christians are some of the most guilt-ridden people that I know. The very place that they should find the answer to their guilt and shame is the place where they have often found no answers to their questions and no help from the leaders. I am speaking of their local church. Like all of us, folks that are divorced need the gospel, the truth that they are sinners, and knowledge that there is a Savior. They can be forgiven and delivered from the penalty and the power of sin- even from a failed marriage ending in divorce. Unfortunately, however, there is a lack of grace towards particular sins and an unwillingness to embrace those caught over a fear of compromising the truth. Part of the problem is a lack of knowledge about what the Bible teaches about marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Ultimately, the problem is simply that many in the church have forgotten what it means to be the church in the proclamation as well as the application of the Gospel.
Christians rightly agree that marriage is a solemn covenant between a man and a woman, entered into before God, whereby He joins them in a life-long companionship of love for and commitment to each other. Divorce and remarriage are seen as damnable sins because many Christians believe that scripture teaches that marriage is for life without exception. Clearly, God’s standard is sexual and mental purity before marriage and faithfulness afterwards. Scripture teaches that divorce is not the good (morally excellent) standard that God expects, but accommodations have been made for sinful man. In its original and purest form, God intended that marriage should never be broken except by the death of either spouse (Matthew 19:8-9). God hates divorce (Malachi 2:14-16) because it is a covenant before him, indeed marriage is the first institution He created (Genesis 2:24).
Though it has been and always will be God’s intent that the marriage covenant should never be broken, it does not mean that it is unbreakable. The scripture clearly teaches that the death of either partner legitimately ends the marriage covenant. Jesus taught that in the resurrection, there is neither marriage nor giving in marriage (Matthew 22:30). Divorce has never been divinely approved, however, The Mosaic Law in general assumed the practice of divorce (Leviticus 21:7,14 and 22:13; Numbers 30:9; Deuteronomy 22:19,29). Recognizing this, Moses in Deuteronomy 24:1-4 regulates divorce while not encouraging or approving of it. In the New Testament, Jesus calls His people to be faithful to the clearly defined will of God as expressed in Genesis 2:24, and quoted and enlarged upon by our Lord in Matthew 19:4-6:
“Haven't you read,” He replied, “that the Creator made them male and female and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
Jesus was emphasizing God’s ideal of marriage, as well as the fact that He had come to restore us to our original innocence before God as it was in creation. The first marriage was one that was the example of what marriage should look like until it was damaged by sin. Since Christians are new creatures in Christ, innocent in the eyes of God because of what Christ has done, and given a new nature to follow after Christ, then Christian marriage should take on the look of what it was meant to be in the created order. What this means practically is that Christian marriage should be the gold standard. Christians should not look like the culture in approaching marriage, viewing it only as a contract with caveats that allow us to abandon it at the earliest sign of trouble. Christians have a special responsibility as new creations in Christ to bear witness to the proper practice of marriage as well as the doctrine of the sanctity of the marriage bond. We should not be like those to whom Jesus was speaking in justifying divorce because of our own pride and hard heartedness. Christians are different and must behave as those who are different. Divorce should be the last resort, after exhaustive efforts have been made by both partners and by the church to save the marriage.
What are the sins that allow the process of a biblically sanctioned divorce? In Matthew 5:31-32 and 19:3-9, Jesus cites “marital unfaithfulness” as grounds for biblical divorce. The Greek word used in this passage is πορνεία (porneia) and is translated fornication or sexual immorality. In contrast to μοιχάω (moichaō), which is always translated “adultery,” porneia refers to all kinds of sexual immorality that break the one-flesh principle. Adultery, the physical act of having intercourse with one who is married to someone else, is the continual consequence of being involved in an unbiblical divorce and remarriage. The narrow view that only adultery allows for divorce is neither supported by this verse or the whole of scripture. The word adultery is used here narrowly as the the consequence of not divorcing and remarrying for a biblical reason, so Jesus’ point is if an individual remarries without a biblically sanctioned divorce, he or she is committing continual adultery. Using adultery as a translation of porneia when it not translated that way anywhere else in scripture is far too restrictive of an understanding of the passage. Why is sexual immorality sufficient cause for dissolving the bond of marriage? Because it is a radical breach of the one flesh relationship, violating the commitment of exclusive conjugal love.
In 1 Corinthians 7:12-15, Paul cites the case of a man who becomes a Christian after marriage. His wife, however, remains an unbeliever but is willing to continue living with him. The injunction is that he is not to divorce her. If she were to leave him, however, she is to be allowed to do so. Desertion is the destruction of the marriage that the deserted spouse was unable to prevent. Desertion speaks volumes about the validity of the faith of the one who leaves. The believer in such a case is not bound (GR δουλόω douloō enslaved ) to the marriage covenant as the one-flesh principle has been broken, it is indeed like a death therefore the abandoned party is free to divorce and remarry. Why does the departure of an unbeliever in a mixed marriage leave the believer free to remarry? Because it is a radical breach of marital faithfulness, violating the commitment of lifelong companionship. The exceptional circumstance common to both biblical allowances for divorce is willful repudiation of the marriage covenant represented by the vows made before God in the Christian wedding ceremony.
Since marriage is a picture of Christ and the church, and Christ has paid the price or redemption for the purpose of making us holy, we should strive to follow that pattern as we deal with our spouses even when they sin. The first goal is definitely to make every attempt to reconcile and maintain the covenantal relationship. Divorce should only be considered after the pattern of biblical confrontation of sin seen in Matthew 18 :15-17 is followed:
15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
The pattern of biblical reconciliation necessarily requires that sin is confronted, first by the offended spouse, then with two or three other brothers and sisters in Christ. If after these efforts are made, and the spouse which has sinned against the other refuses to repent, then the church - represented by elders, pastors, or other counselors, are brought into the situation. The goal in all the steps is for the sinner to repent, be held accountable, and reconciled both to his spouse and to the church. Even when there is justification for a biblically sanctioned divorce, divorce is not required and it should not preclude continued attempts at reconciliation .If the offender refuses to repent, however, then that person is shown as an unbeliever, and the church is allowed to proclaim a biblically sanctioned divorce.
In light of Scripture’s clear teaching on the sanctity of marriage and God’s strong opposition to and restrictions on divorce, surely Christians cannot condone the easy accessibility to divorce in our contemporary society. In our churches, we must increasingly emphasize the lifelong commitment implicit in the marriage covenant, and especially in Christian marriage that should be a constant witness to God’s order of creation and to the Gospel message of the love between Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:22-33)
The Church should exhort the spouse in membership and fellowship to continue to seek reconciliation as long as it is possible. Reconciliation should be encouraged that God may be glorified in the healing of relationships among His people, and the Gospel may be proclaimed. Pastors, elders, biblical counselors, and church members should encourage the offended spouse to offer forgiveness and reconciliation with the hope of drawing the offending spouse back to right relationship in the marriage, and indeed, into right relationship with Christ. This is the pattern encouraged in 1 Corinthians 7:12-14, benefiting all in the household of faith.
Pastors who become aware of potential divorce situations within the church—either through the parties involved or from outside sources—must get involved in the situation. They should encourage both partners to seek marriage counseling if not from them either from the church staff or from other qualified counselors. God’s love, forgiveness, and healing power should be emphasized, especially where the offending spouse is repentant. In this case, while the offended partner may not be willing to repair the marriage, every effort should be made to do so. The offended partner demonstrates their heart towards God in their unwillingness to offer forgiveness and extend grace to a partner who is repentant.
Remarriage is a contentious topic in most evangelical circles. There are many who believe that the Bible teaches that divorce is never allowed, and that remarriage is a continual adulterous act since from God’s standpoint the original couple is still bound in the covenant of marriage.
While Jesus explicitly teaches that those who are involved in a remarriage after a non-biblically sanctioned divorce commit adultery (Matthew 19:9). This is the reason that the Church must take a high view of scripture and take care to be involved in church discipline and biblical counseling that helps members in their churches understand the very real consequences of un-biblical divorce and remarriage. In this, and in all instances of sin, Church discipline in conjunction with biblical counseling should be practiced for the glory of God, the restoration of the believer, and the reputation of the church.
The Church must be careful not to sanction un-biblical marriages; however, when a former spouse has remarried, or refuses reconciliation in such a way as to reveal himself or herself to be, in effect, an unbeliever, remarriage to another person becomes a valid option for the other party in the light of 1 Corinthians 7. Before the offended party remarries, even under these conditions, they should demonstrate “sufficient penitence for sin and failure,” and manifest “a firm purpose of an endeavor after Christian marriage.”
The Church should also encourage anyone considering remarriage to participate in counseling to ascertain his or her repentance and desire for a Christian marriage. In addition, they should be encouraged to prayerfully consider if God may be calling them to remain unmarried, as Paul encourages in 1 Corinthians 7:8, and in view of that fact that one failure in marriage raises serious questions as to the and wisdom of undertaking another union.
What about those cases in which people have been involved in a divorce before becoming believers and have since remarried? Wise and loving pastoral oversight should encourage such individuals to seek God’s gracious forgiveness, in the assurance that He will forgive them and accept their present marriage. Does this mean that in this case God has changed or lowered His standards? Not at all. But it does mean that even divorce and remarriage under such circumstances—serious though they are—are not unforgivable sins, but with all other transgressions are covered by the blood of Christ.
Those considering remarriage should be given special counseling. The circumstances of the ending of the previous marriage need to be reviewed. Assurance should be received that these persons have come to genuine faith in Christ. They should demonstrate fruit of repentance as well as a firm understanding of and desire to pursue Christian marriage. This entire procedure should be undertaken with sensitivity and an earnest desire to help them work through the implications of divorce and remarriage on the couple, their children, and the Church at large. If the Church is satisfied that remarriage is justifiable, the couple should be offered participation in a divorce recovery program in which past failure in marital relationships is honestly confronted, so that such realities as guilt, resentment, frustration, fear and anger resulting from the first marriage are not carried over as a time bomb to destroy the second marriage. Upon approval from the church, the couple should be free to marry, and the Church should receive them as full members with full rights and privileges of membership.
Obviously, divorce is the result of many small choices and sins over time that result in the dissolution of marriage. These are the responsibility of the individual making them. However, I cannot help but think that God will also hold the church that is not active in discipleship and biblical counseling responsible at least for the members who are part of their bodies who are suffering or have suffered through divorce. We need a return to New Testament, Biblical Christianity where people who are Christians are in fellowship continually whether it be in homes, in the public square, as well as in church. When one is suffering through any pain of sin, the principles of the Gospel need to be put on display. Paul reminds us in Galatians 6: 1-2:
Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. 2 Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
The practical outworking of this in daily church life is a task that is only for the brave and the faithful. Pastors must be aware of the lives of their congregation by being active and asking the questions that are hard to ask. The leadership must be trained to be aware of signals that a marriage is in trouble. Most of all individual Christians must remember the fact that we have been saved from sin. We may have a fantastic marriage, and we may hold marriage sacred, but that should not translate into becoming haughty and looking down on those caught in sin. We need to bear their burdens by listening, inviting them into fellowship, and keeping them in prayer. We need to be transparent and open in their lives so that they can receive grace through other Christians who are humble and genuinely concerned about their brothers and sisters in Christ.
